Nick Mason - Fictitious Sports
Fictitious Sports    3rd May 1981

“Hot River”    (Bley)
Do you long to cavort?
Here’s a new water sport,
That you ought to try.

It’s a Fahrenheit dream,
Hot and covered with steam.
You won’t be bored,
Do you want to get wet?
Are you starting to sweat?

Slip over the side,
Now we’re caught in a swell,
Here’s where Heaven and Hell
Start to collide.

It’s slippery and slimy,
Reach over here and tie me.
I’m so warm I can hardly move.
Mother never told me,
I’d need someone to hold me.

But where I’m from the rivers are all cold,
It’s a fisherman’s dream,
Dinner’s already steamed,
And ready to eat.

When you feel your resolve,
Is about to dissolve,
Then stop for a treat.

In a river of steam,
Nothing seems too obscene,
So let down your hair,
While you drift through a trough.
Slip your bathing suit off,
And really get clean.

You can do your laundry,
While your thoughts are wandering,
And you watch the passing swimmer’s poach,
You don’t need no Sterno,
In Dante’s Inferno,
It’s thermo-hydriatically controlled.

You can’t stay in too long,
‘Cause the heat is too strong.
You’re starting to slide,
Grab a hold of the rope,
Throw your soap in the boat.

Climb over the side,
We can come back for more,
When we start to get bored.
There’s nothing as wild,
As a Hot River swim,
On the volcanic rim.