Nick Mason - Fictitious Sports
Fictitious Sports    3rd May 1981

“I’m A Mineralist”    (Bley)
Here's a shocking revelation for you voyeurs
Such a heinous deviation, these are no clues
I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist.

Just the thought of ironing gives me spasms of lust
I creep up to old wrecked cars and lick off the rust
I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist.

Mother used to try to meddle in my affairs
Keep your nose up off that grindstone, people will stare
Get the lead out of your pants and change your underwear.

I've been stealing baby bottles since I was born
I'll go blind from balling bearings, doctors have warned
I like making out with steel-rimmed glasses more than horned.

Erik Satie gets my rocks off, Cage is a dream,
Phillip Glass is a Mineralist to the extreme.

I like tickling ivories and fingering stones,
When my mercury goes up I play with my bone.

People take for granted my perversion is wrong,
I'm not harming anyone by beating my gong
I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist.

I'll make love to minerals as long as I can,
And in fifty years I'll be a jaded old man.

I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist,
I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist.